sometimes I am resentful

Once upon a time I was a young professional in upper management. I was even a young professional mother for a time. Then one day I walked away from that office and all its trappings (though really it was a small company, so not so many trappings). I started my own consulting business. I called my own part-time hours and focused on my family.

Most days I love that choice.

But some days I resent it.

I wake up and 90% of the time put on some form of workout clothing; attempt to make my hair look like I don’t have bed head; take my kids to school and go exercise and run errands. (Yes, I run errands in my sweaty workout clothes with my messy hair because I’m klassy like that.) But some days I miss getting up and putting on nice clothes with fancy shoes. I miss wearing make-up and leaving the house looking put-together. I miss having a job that lets me afford nice clothes and fancy shoes.

I spend my day bouncing between work projects and kid-related projects. I volunteer at school and at church. I run all the household errands. I write lots of copy and manage various websites. I do laundry and a respectable job of keeping the house clean. But some days I miss having an office – a real office, with a door and a dedicated phone line. An office that I can work in uninterrupted and without distraction. An office I can leave behind at the end of the day.

I miss grabbing a Diet Coke or cup of tea on my way to work. I miss setting lunch meetings. I miss managing people.

But you know what I never miss? Good morning hugs. Walks to school. The bursting through the door that only happens at the end of the school day. I never miss trips to the beach or reading to my son before school or being able to look up from my desk and see my children running past. I never miss them because I’m here.

It has its moments this choosing to work from home. And it’s true, *sometimes* I resent the “grown up” I used to be. But mostly? *Mostly* I am thankful for this path I’ve chosen.

Last week I laughed out loud reading a comic. The punchline was somewhat subtle but played on the Robert Frost poem “The Road Not Taken.” My children asked what was so funny and I tried to explain it to them, which of course meant explaining the poem. I think they understood the premise… I haven’t been able to get these lines out of my head though because in some ways, it is the story of my life (emphasis my own):

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and Iā€”
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

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5 thoughts on “sometimes I am resentful

  1. yes, this. Life is a series of choices. It’s tricky to not look back. This i a good reminder to not even necessarily look forward- but to just be present.

    Love the poem- its been years since I’ve read it- thank you!

    1. I hadn’t read the entire poem in years either. Decided there was a reason that I came across that reference to it. You know, I’ve read that poem at different points in my life and each time it meant a little something different.

  2. invictus and desiderata are two other poems that,like this one I read and memorized in high school and there are lines in all of them I never forget, Like you said it all means different things at different points in your life. Just reading what you do in a day makes me need a nap! And here I was bitching about stats (again!) You are doing a great job , one your kids will never forget!

  3. All week, I have been waiting for time to comment here…finally šŸ˜‰
    I totally understand what you mean about the sometimes. Because sometimes, no matter how much we love where life has us, there are also negatives to it.

    And most of the time, especially now that all my kids are in school all day, I am happy where my choices have taken me. We have made it work pretty darn well around here. But, other days, oh it pains me.

    But, those positives, no matter what, are the things that keep us going forward.

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