my unwelcome companion

Doubt reared his ugly head again last week. It’s funny I don’t see him too often as I’m going through my day-to-day responsibilities. He likes to wait until I’m running to pop up and say hello. He’s the one that reminds me how two years ago I couldn’t run more than four miles and just who do I think I’m fooling when I push myself further today. I see him in the mirror sometimes too. He’s the one that whispers that I can’t do anything to hide that pouchy belly or those dark circles under my eyes.

Sometimes I’m really good at chasing him away. He popped up during my last triathlon – right around mile 8 of the bike portion but I shook him off.

Sometimes I’m really bad at chasing him away. He was by my side at mile seven of my marathon and then came again to ride on my back for miles 14-19. I couldn’t shake him that day and he seemed to take up residence in my pocket for months to come.

He’s dragged me down and even brought me to tears. (I bet that’s quite a site, some lady all by herself running & crying.) I felt him again last week. It was cold & windy. I was out for a five mile run and he was next to me nearly every step of the way. Questioning what I was thinking when I signed up for another half marathon. Telling me there was no way I’d be able to successfully train in the winter. Laughing at my thoughts of turning 40 and attempting to push him aside for good.

Maybe I am a little crazy. Okay, fine… more than a little. But I’m really hoping that starting off this new decade in a strong, powerful way will kick this guy out for a long, long time.

And with that I lace up my shoes and try again.

I’d really like to go back and reread this post and make some corrections or leave it the draft file of things I write but never publish or perhaps delete it entirely. In the spirit of Just Write, I’m leaving it alone.

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3 thoughts on “my unwelcome companion

  1. So far in my reading through the Just Write posts this week, I’ve read one on fear and yours on doubt… I think maybe God is trying to tell me something šŸ™‚ Also, I like reading about other runners who doubt their abilities. I struggle with that a lot myself. I’d like to think that by the time I get to the level you’re running at, I’ll be fully confident and Strong, but….

  2. Right now I am doubting that I am ever going to feel well enough to get up early enough to actually run more than three miles at a time.

    And I think that no matter where running takes you, there is always that doubt.
    But, the best part about running, is that every day is a new day.

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