Freeing up some boundaries

Last weekend in our uncharacteristically balmy May weather (in February) my 12yo son got a text from a friend. They were playing basketball at the elementary school (within walking distance) and wanted him to come out. So out he went – that’s nothing new really, the elementary school has been within his play boundaries without an adult for a few years now.

Next thing I know he’s wandering around with this same group of kids and walking to McDonald’s and to another neighborhood school to play. He asked before he left. He texted to keep us updated. His adventures were all within 1.5 miles of our house and we live in a small town so I wasn’t worried for his safety since he was with a group. (I mean not any more worried than is appropriate when talking about 12 year old boys and their sometimes goofy behavior.)

It just seemed awfully sudden that I have three kids that can now wander about at will.

My 15yo got her driving permit a couple of weeks ago and we’ve been doing lots of driving practice. She’ll be eligible for her license at the end of the summer so by next school year she’ll be reaching out to new boundaries on her own as well.

As I type this my 18yo and her friend are driving down to Bloomington for the weekend to hang out with friends and experience some college life. (Go Hoosiers) That’s the farthest she’s driven on her own; though with college around the corner, it seems an appropriate boundary to free.

All of these new adventures seem appropriate to me. At the same time they feel like someone threw a glass of cold water in my face. My kids are more like young adults than kids. They are spreading those metaphorical wings everyone talks about and strengthening them to fly away. But it seems like just yesterday that they were like this…

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Who taught them to be so adventurous anyway?!??!

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It’s time to find all my left shoes

Over the past 10 days I’ve been gradually weaning myself out of that obnoxious walking boot. I started a new physical therapy plan last week and had my first PT workout today. I can ride a bike (without high resistance or up hills but since it’s too cold to ride outside that’s not a concern). AND I can go out for walks again! Not quite as fast as my normal workout walking pace but still… I can walk OUTSIDE for a workout.

Can you see my smile in these words?

I walked today for 1.5 miles at the fairgrounds before my PT appointment. It’s a little hilly there and the PT very kindly suggested I back off and start on nice flat surfaces like the bike trail. I mentioned that I’d like to go hiking on the dunes this weekend. He again very kindly said that was a recipe for hurting myself and suggested a nearby park that has a nice trail around a small lake. I like this guy already – he’s not super negative about his restrictions. Instead of just telling me no, he asked me questions about where I like to hike and why and then kindly redirected me to something more appropriate. I’m like a 3 year old always asking to do something that’s beyond my capabilities and he’s like the really nice parent who instead of saying no, just steers me in a different direction.

I’ll keep up the optimism of a three year old for now. It’s been a while since I had reason to be optimistic.

The egg project

Both of my girls are taking Psychology and as part of a unit on human development, their teacher is having them carry around an egg for a week. That egg (hard-boiled) is supposed to represent their child. It is to be with them at all times. If they have work or practice it is supposed to be babysat. They carry it all around school and the teacher marks off points if the egg is cracked or not with them.

I understand the goal of this lesson but let me tell you something… it is one stinky project. By the end of the day those hard boiled eggs STINK. That means that the girls are going through an egg a day. Eggs aren’t exactly expensive but it’s killing me how wasteful this project is. That’s perfectly good food and it’s just being tossed in the trash every single day. Plus they are carrying it around in a tupperware… I never put my baby in a tupperware I can promise you that.

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So the egg “ages” each day and in the past day two funny things happened that have made me laugh. Laughing is good so I’ll share these stories.

Yesterday I picked up my daughter after jazz band and asked about her day. She grouchily tossed the container holding her egg into the car and said

  • “I hate this stupid egg. Seriously hate it!”
  • My response: “That’s not a very nice way to talk about your precious baby.”
  • E: “It’s not a baby any more; today it’s in middle school.”
  • Me: “Oh… no wonder you don’t like it. I didn’t like you all the time when you were in middle school either.”

This morning J was asking E about this egg project, what she is going to do with the egg over the weekend etc. He asked how old the egg is and she replied that today it’s 18. His idea for a weekend adventure: sky diving!

  • J: “I’ve always wanted to do an egg drop! Let’s build a container and try it off a tall ladder!”
  • E: “I can’t let my child go sky diving!”
  • J: “That thing is 18, it can do whatever it wants now.”

I’m not sure these are the lessons they are supposed to be gaining from this stinky, wasteful experiment. But it is proving to be very amusing. I’m also now curious as to what kind of uncle J is going to be someday….

It’s time for some gratitude

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Instead of concentrating on what I don’t have (you know that stress relief and physically beneficial hard workout), I need to shift my attitude to being grateful. Grateful for…

Good health: While I can’t do a lot of exercise, I’m healthy and that’s a big deal.

A plethora of work: When I started my own business 16+ years ago the work was slow in coming. I now have more than I know what to do with some days.

A loving family: Conversations with my oldest on college visits. Taking my middlest out on her first real drives after she got her permit. Laughing over silliness with my youngest. Wine & conversation with my husband while I cook dinner.

But those are big picture things. Good things to be sure, but let’s look harder. What am I grateful for TODAY?

Bright sunshine (it’s been a gloomy winter)

A great book to read

Birthday money that I’m savoring and spending on treats as I find them. This week that meant a new pair of LuLaRoe leggings and the piano sheet music for La La Land.

A new book of Catholic devotions… Something I’ve never done before but have made a nightly habit since January 1 and I think it’s really making a positive impact.

Happy Friday Internet. Here’s hoping for more positive than negative. More love than hate. Greater empathy and a good glass of wine.

Feeling sorry for myself

This is not a feeling I’m used to. I’m pretty good at shaking myself out of funks. I pride myself on being able to look at the big picture. I know that today is temporary and there is so much more ahead of me.

But this week has been hard. So. Hard.

I go to the Y 5-6 times a week. Granted, I can only do two things at the Y right now: swim without kicking or row. Oh! And I can do limited weights – so three things. I can do three things for my workout right now. I’m pretty damn determined to keep up with those three things. Working out is an important part of my health – both physical and mental. I have worked out 5-6 times a week for as long as I can remember save breaks for pregnancies… and it’s been 13 years since I was pregnant.

It’s discouraging to know that I can only do two types of workouts right now (sorry, three). I’m giving them my all mind you. But it’s still discouraging. These workouts don’t burn a lot of calories. Take into account the mandated rest periods I’ve had at different points in this Achilles recovery process and I’m a full 20 pounds heavier than I was at this time last year. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m at my heaviest weight ever. And while I’m not a person that pays much attention to the number on the scale. My clothes don’t fit well and I feel gross.

To recap: I don’t have the normal stress relief of working out so I’m stressed. I don’t have the normal calorie burning benefits of working out so I’m fat. I don’t have the normal endorphins from working out so I’m depressed.

Hey Internet… I’m having a hard time being positive.

I saw a friend at the Y today and she was all “I feel so bad for you.”  and “I don’t know how you do it. It’s so impressive that you keep coming in even when you can’t get in a strong workout.” and “It’s been such a long recovery! I’m so sorry.” And I know she means well but you guys… I feel bad for me too. And part of me is ready to just throw in the towel, eat some extra Reese Peanut Butter hearts and call it a day (or year at this point).

I won’t. But damn do I feel lousy. All the way around lousy. And there’s really no end in sight. I could run through the pain but I know that’s a stupid solution. So I’ll sit here… fat and stressed. And I’ll strap on my damn walking boot and I’ll try again tomorrow. But I just needed to tell someone… this really sucks.