A parent of older kids

I’ve really felt a shift in parenting in recent months. I’m no longer the parent of young kids. I don’t do crafts, plan elaborate activities for a rainy afternoon, or take my kids to see children’s plays. I don’t go on popsicle walks or puddle walks or to story time at the library. I don’t pick up legos and doll clothes at night. My kids don’t need to hold my hand and sometimes they even go on adventures without me.

I am the parent of older kids. We go to the library and each wander our own way until we come together to show each other our selections. We go out to eat more often. We go on dunes hikes and long bike rides. I stay up late at night waiting for everyone to get home.

It’s different. Not bad mind you, just different. Part of me misses all the little kid action but more of me is enjoying all the new adventures I can now do with my kids.

For Mother’s Day we went on a short trail walk and out to lunch in a nearby Lake Michigan beach town. At lunch there was a table next to us with a younger family – three little kids. It made me smile to watch them all clamor for mom’s attention – both because those days are golden and because they are so tiring. I smiled because I was sitting at my table with a beer and older kids who can cut their own food and don’t need to announce something to me every 30 seconds. It’s a good phase of parenting for sure. Still… I knew that mom was going to have kids crawl into her lap later that day and ask to read a book. And I miss that.

So after lunch when we walked down to the beach and this immediately happened…. well, it made my heart happy to see that my older kids are still kids at heart. (even if they don’t ask me to read aloud to them anymore)

A college visit to my alma mater

My oldest is a junior in high school and we’ve encouraged her to be proactive about her college search. We’ve taken all the kids to college campuses whenever we’re nearby for “unofficial” visits. We think that the more colleges you see, the easier it will be to know when you’ve found the right place for you. After all, college is a place where you will grow both academically and mentally. It is the place where you will start to forge your own path and create your own identity – all of that is an important part of the college experience. That’s why I think it’s important to find a place where you can comfortably explore and grow.

Two years ago my daughter was all about going to college far, far away (oh the words that my teenage self uttered came back to haunt me many times). But when faced with the realities of paying for college, she came to realize that staying in-state is best. We are lucky to live in a state with many good, world-renowned universities – and it’s hard to beat paying in-state tuition for that kind of education.

Over the past year she and I have started going on college visits. I want her to have plenty of time to explore, re-visit and learn what colleges have to offer her. But last week was a first. Last week, we visited my alma mater: Indiana University.

My 17 year old self did not want to go to IU – to an in-state school with so many others from my high school. (and my 17 year old daughter has those exact same feelings) However, once I saw the campus I knew that it would be okay. It’s a beautiful place. Big and sprawling. Filled with thousands of people from all sorts of diverse backgrounds. Meadows, creeks, bridges and arboretums are all a part of daily life walking to class. As are hearing different languages and meeting new people. A school as big as IU is not for everyone, but it was a great place for me to take my first steps into adulthood.

I don’t know yet if it will be the same for my oldest, though she did indeed fall in love – even though she wasn’t expecting to, in fact was resisting the thought. As I watched her walk around campus on the very same paths that I walked so many years ago, I had the weirdest sensations. I remembered so many of my thoughts and feelings of that age and knew that I never, ever considered what it would feel like to lead my daughter around that campus. To look around and see how she fits in and how many opportunities are surrounding her. To sit down at Nick’s and have a beer while we talked about what she wants to do next. (Well I had a beer, she had a lemonade.) My college looks a whole lot different through these eyes.

Lately I’ve felt like I’ve crossed into a new parenting phase. My youngest will leave elementary school this year and I very much feel as though I’m officially the parent of older kids now. I’ve left the fun, busy, exploring days of parenting young children behind. I’m entering the fun, busy, awe-striking days of helping my kids find their paths. It’s pretty cool.

An open letter to my daughter as she starts high school

When my oldest started high school two years ago, the school gave us a postcard to write a short note to our kids that they would receive during their Freshman Orientation. I’m sending my second child off to high school and somehow missed that opportunity. But I still want to share some advice and tips before sending my child zooming down the slide of high school that will ultimately launch her into the world. Some of it is the same that I gave her sister but all of it is still so true.

High school is such a fun time. You learn so much about yourself, you start truly becoming the adult you are meant to be. You do things with your friends and have a sense of freedom and adventure that you rarely see again. I’m excited for my daughter as she starts this new adventure. I think this kid of mine is really going to come into her own over the next four years.

Since I didn’t get to slip a note into her locker at the high school, I’m going to slip this on her pillow tonight.

Welcome to High School!
I am so excited for you! I know you’re a little nervous now but I also know that once you’ve been in those halls for a day or two, the nerves will settle and you’ll start having fun. You will always remember these four years – here are a few things to remember while you’re in them:

– Pick your friends wisely and always be a good friend.
– Every experience is something you can learn from.
– Savor the good moments and put the bad behind you.
– Time management is one of your strongest allies.
– Life is full of choices, try your best to make good ones.
– You don’t have to know what you want to be when you grow up.
– Clean your room. A clean space gives you room to think and create.
– You’re going to make mistakes, own up to them, be responsible and move on to make better choices next time.
– Don’t let those mistakes be something that put you or those around you in danger.
– I will always give you and your friends a ride home, no matter where you are, no matter what’s been going on, at any time of the day or night.
– Don’t compromise in a relationship. A person who loves you will respect who you are.
– Stay true to yourself and your faith.
– Try to make your corner of the world a better place.
– Never be afraid to hug a friend.
– Surround yourself with supportive, positive people.

And most of all:
– There is nothing you could possibly do that will ever make me stop loving you.

Stay safe. Be smart. Follow the path that God has laid out for you – you might have to look hard for it sometimes, but I promise it’s there. Remember that you always have a family that is here for you. And never forget how very, very proud I am of you.

Love,
Mom

A belated birthday interview for my 14 & 1/3 child

If there’s one thing that illustrates the hectic, crazy fast pace that my life has held over the past few months it’s this: I didn’t post a birthday interview for my daughter when she turned 14. (Cue up future therapist bill and add this to the list of injuries done to the middle child.) Oh I’ve thought about it from time to time but I never had the time to sit down with her and start writing. So as we approach her first day of high school, I decided this could not go on any longer.

Way back in May, I took my newly 14yo someplace that was new to both of us: a tattoo parlor for her biggest birthday gift – a cartilage piercing in her upper ear. We kept the birthday fun going with a fun dinner and painting class night. As is now tradition, she got to celebrate her birthday for a second time later in the month with her grandpa and uncle who share the same birthday month. Her other gifts reflected her sense of style and personality – everything from knit beanies to converse high tops to funky jewelry.

She is still the most stubborn child in the house but she’s opening herself up to some new experiences. The year she was 13 she ran the Sunburst 5K, went canoeing, walked Mackinac Bridge (with FAR LESS complaining than her first time) and hiked in the Great Smoky Mountains. She challenged her clarinet abilities with an advanced selection for the state music competition. She took on a huge task of patience when she made her mother’s birthday dinner: homemade ravioli soup. And she voluntarily and cheerfully woke up early on a weekend morning to cheer for a friend of our family who was running her first marathon.

People at our church know Miss E quite well. She is still an altar server and also plays her clarinet during some Masses – even when it means going to Mass twice the same weekend. She made her confirmation this year as well and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a face glow so much with the Holy Spirit. Before we left the cathedral, she even managed to snag a selfie with our new Bishop. She was a music leader for Vacation Bible School. She was active in the church youth group. And she was the narrator for our church’s Passion play.

She hung out in Chicago multiple times, took her first cab ride, and got to see Blue Man Group. She joined the high school marching band and has already marched in not one but two parades. She competed in both the Spell Bowl and Academic Super Bowl teams at school. And for the first time in a long time, she did not forget her lunch on the first day of school.

She’s the one child that I know always has a lot going on in her mind. She fills notebooks with poems and stories and thoughts. She reads so fast I wonder if it’s by osmosis. She is caring and kind. She is a champion for those who are the slightest bit different. Best of all, she is true to herself. I love listening to her – even if it is a challenge on those days where she has so much to say and speaks so fast it’s like she’s afraid she’s going to run out of time to say it all.

These are a few of her favorite things from the past year:

color: periwinkle blue (In fact, she would like to dye her hair this color.)
food: lobster ravioli from the fancy Italian restaurant we went to in Chicago on the night we saw Blue Man Group
dessert: homemade red velvet cake with homemade cream cheese frosting
part of school: Sigh… Social Studies class. Because I like to learn about that kind of stuff.
sport: tennis – to play but I really like watching hockey
thing to do: Oh this makes me sound really lazy: watch Netflix or YouTube
game: Ticket to Ride
tv show: How I Met Your Mother on TV. My current favorite YouTuber is Tyler Oakely… or John Green… or both!
movie: Annie
song: Fly Away by Five Seconds of Summer
book: Harry Potter – still… “always” for those Snape fans out there
restaurant: Station 21 – I like to order their mac & cheese
time of year: Fall because I like to wear big sweaters and the leaves are so pretty.
animal: An owl.

What did you request for your birthday dinner?
Homemade mac and cheese. And then homemade red velvet cake with homemade cream cheese frosting. (editor’s note: her mom was busy that day!)

What is something that can always make you smile?
My friends

What do you want to be when you grow up?
A writer Can I add princess too? The coolest princess who writes the best books.

If you could go anywhere on vacation, where would you go?
Rome because of the mythology and history and food… I’m ready to go!

What do you love about your family?
Let’s start with J… I like him because he always finds the positives in things which helps me see the positives. I like hanging out with K and talking about random things. It’s fun to talk with her. I like to listen to music with Dad. And I like to talk about books with mom.

What were some of your best memories from this past year?
Oh Smoky Mountains were awesome! I loved getting to spend the night and see a show in Chicago – that was a lot of fun. I really liked finishing middle school. Being done with middle school is very nice. I loved the school band trip to Great America.

What are some of your wishes for this year?
I would like to survive high school. I would like to not completely ruin my GPA. I want to make new friends. I want to read lots of books and watch lots of movies.

Each year I interview my children on their birthdays and write a post about their year. My hope is that someday these musings will spark special memories. Search for ‘birthday interview’ over there on the right to read previous posts.

My last year of valentines

I am not a Pinterest person and I’m not excessively crafty. However, for some reason I’ve always insisted the kids make their own valentines. Over the years we’ve collected a nice assortment of pink and red card stock, a variety of heart stickers, glitter and valentine stamps. I keep the stash away from the normal craft supplies and each February I drag it out and we make class valentines.

The past few years J has not been very enthused about the project. Instead of making glittery creations he and I look for printable valentines. I print them on that valentine card stock (seriously I think I bought a stash of 300 pieces 8 years ago and we’re still using it) and he cuts them out… sometimes colors them himself. So yesterday I found a few sites with printables that weren’t remotely mushy. When he came home from school I told him that we needed to save some time to make this year’s valentines. Here’s how the conversation went:

J: Do I have to make valentines?
Me: No, you don’t.
J: Really???
Me: Really. If you don’t want to hand out valentines at the party it’s okay. Just know that you’ll probably be the only one not handing out a valentine. If that doesn’t bother you, it’s okay not to do it.

We went through the rest of our evening. Complained about homework… ate a good dinner… complained about homework some more… Before he got ready for bed I asked him one more time: “You’re sure you don’t want to hand out valentines? There’s still time for me to print some if you’ve changed your mind.”
J: Okay I’ve been thinking and there’s something I want to ask you about that. Do you mean to tell me that for all of my life valentines have not been mandatory??
Me: Valentines are never mandatory buddy.
J: You’re sure I’m not going to get in trouble with the teacher? Because I’m pretty sure that every year they are MANDATORY.
Me: How will you get in trouble? There’s no grade for valentines. She’s not going to make you miss part of recess. What could possibly happen? IF she asks where your valentines are. Tell her the truth – you didn’t want to hand them out.
J: Okay then. That’s what I’m going to do.

It’s 7am and I haven’t asked that one last time. I could still scramble and print some if needed. There’s no candy to go along with them but we don’t hand out candy every year anyway (the amount of candy that gets distributed at an elementary valentines party astonishes me). We’ll see if he has a last minute change of heart.

I have helped kids make valentines for 12 years… I should probably be sad that this phase is over. Instead, I’m just wondering what to do with this stack of pink and red card stock.